Eurovision Roundup

My word, I have had recent good fortune. With zero planning, I've been in and had the telly on during the two semi-finals for Eurovision. I was a bit hacked off as Old Tel isn't doing it this year, but I've been revved back up with the sheer, unbelievable, nonsensical pageantry of the whole thing. Superb.

I would be insane not to give you a roundup of the acts. Most of this has been judged purely from the recap of 30s or so for each performance. It's enough.

Heat 1
Montenegro - Cheap, odd, contortionist.
Czech Republic - Bonkers (superhero)
Belgium - Insane (Elvis)
Belarus - Classic soft Euroshit
Sweden - Up its arse orchestral
Armenia - Ethnic culture + hotties
Andorra - Sell out + hotties
Switzerland - Thinks it's proper music
Turkey - As Armenia, but better and fitter
Israel - Worthy political reference
Bulgaria - Bonkers (stilts + fire)
Iceland - Almost Sweden
Macedonia - Derivative rock. Quite catchy.
Romania - Pure sex.
Finland - As Andorra
Portugal - Cheap & weird version of Armenia.
Malta - Genuine. Cheap. Fat bird.
Bosnia & Herzogovina - Massively over the top.

Heat 2
Croatia - Moody, fit, orchestal wailing
Ireland - Shouty pop, not bad.
Latvia - Overwrought Will Ferrell. He must be taking the piss.
Serbia - Insane - hair, accordion. Are all Serbians insane?
Poland - I completely missed this one. Sorry.
Norway - Cocky twat. Quite good.
Cyprus - Fitty. Can't sing.
Slovakia - Fitty duets with vagrant.
Denmark - Status Quo, singing like Boyzone.
Slovenia - Taking it far too seriously.
Hungary - Totally all on drugs.
Azerbaijan - Proper Eurovision territory.
Greece - Stealing Obama's message. Catchy. Impressive set.
Lithuania - Serious, hat.
Moldova - Bit cheap.
Albania - Barbie meets fluorogimp.
Ukraine - Paris Hilton, Gladiators, Big cogs.
Estonia - Classical, moody, enchanting. Foreign Corrs.
Netherlands - Astonishing. They are living mirrors.

Post with results to follow. The evening was hosted in Russia by a local synthetic Jonathan Ross analogue - entertaining, if not entirely intentionally. And a model who was more than a witless foil and did the speaking in French. Charming.

The immortal Sarah Cawood and some bloke who sounds familiar - I think he does Broadcasting House...Paddy O'Connell, that's it - did the UK reportage. Moderate, and the chat with Graham Norton gives me hope that in fact he will do a fine job on Saturday.